Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
