Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
