he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
