i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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