Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
