i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
