If that was your dad, he is hot
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize