hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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