just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Ketchup is God's man juice
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
