we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
