I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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