there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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