Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
