If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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