I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
