I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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