i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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