I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
