Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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