i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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