I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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