Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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