he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
