I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
