I just cut my nipple shaving
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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