i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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