Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
