Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You can't just leave with hair like that
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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