Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
