I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
