Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
