Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
