i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
