i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
