someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
