I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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