my vag is so smooth its legendary
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
