Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
