i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
