can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Please, let me fuck your mom
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
