You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
