Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize