The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
