So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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