Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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