I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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