I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
