You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
