So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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