slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
