I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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