Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
