Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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