She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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