i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
