Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
