Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
