I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize